.....my life lies in those eyes that have me slain

Monday, January 10, 2005

The Bitter Truth

A long hiatus and I am back...

This is where I actually wield the power of my veiled identity. The facts that I am set to share are meant to be under wraps and this is where my anonymity helps me out. My blog's strewn with subtle hints that somewhere something is wrong in my life.

I've had enough of putting up a pretentious smile on my face, giving out the message that everything's hunky-dory in my life. I think this is similar to what SP had once said in her page. There's no freedom to even wail out all we like. If we do so, we become vulnerable, gullible and the receiver of all sympathy. Then there are those who enjoy feeding on the gossip and taking advantage of the situation.

So what is it that makes me so utterly rancid about the state of affairs in life? What it is, is this - My parents are getting divorced. They've separated since 1998 and the case is going on in
court. Why the case...because mom doesn't want to give it. Dad wants it. It doesn't end there; there are so many other aspects to it, that I find it hard to decide which would be the frying pan and which the fire - the separation period or the post-divorce era.

Dad migrated to Canada in 1998 because he couldn't stand mom any longer. I dont put the entire blame of the catastrophe on dad; mom has a weird nature which is invisible to the naked eye. One needs a special lens called 'experience' to detect it. It's not something I can put in words. And it's not something mom realizes either. Pointing it out to her doesn't help, it only worsens matters. Maybe she's too naive to realize it; all she wants is her husband's love but ends up resorting to the incorrect means to have it. Wish I could fulfil her desperate desire. The only complaint I have of my dad is that he found solace in another woman. And one can only imagine how this issue can be blown out of proportions, making dad look like there's never been a villain like him. Of course I vehemently oppose this move by him; husband's involvement with the 'other' woman is perhaps the worst form of torture for any woman, especially in an Indian scenario. But I assure, the unbearable memories lead dad to find comfort somewhere and it was not that the separation was brought about because of the 'other' woman. Dad's totally fallen apart (I know so has mom); he was always known for his gentle and caring nature. In fact he tried to bear the brunt for seventeen years of his married life and when he could no longer endure, he broke free. It's evident that it took some heart-wrenching events to bring about this metamorphosis in him.

After some initial struggle in Canada, dad moved to the US. He keeps visiting us every year. Now, 'us' includes me, my bro, grandpa and dad's bro's family which resides in the same city as we do. He doesn't even as much as speak or see mom. In fact, he stays at his brother's place when he visits India. That's another imbroglio my bro and myself face every time dad's here. Mom keeps asking us, 'Howz he?', 'Has he gained/lost weight?'; and I know all the while that she yearns to speak to him, pines to see him, longs for his love, that the separation is eating her out from within. I also know that I am as helpless as the victims of the Tsunami disaster were before the massive, merciless waves.

This year dad arrived yesterday. And the same story continues...

I feel a lot better having poured out some of my thoughts; there's loads more I need to let out, this is just a prelude. To put it in the lines of Mastercard, there are some feelings that can't be
translated into words, for everything else, there's this blog of mine...


I know that what follows are possibly the most meaningless words in the world in this situation, but I do feel for you. It's sad and there's nothing more I can say. Noone can FEEL what you go through. And I won't say I can, because I know how much I detest people saying they understand or know the feeling. I don't and can't. But I do feel....and at one level, I can identify, though only a bit. Chin up though.....
# posted by Blogger Darth Midnightmare : Tuesday, January 11, 2005  

This too shall pass. Life has to go on.. has to be lived.. If I can suggest a book, then it would be The Road less travelled by Scott Peck..
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : Tuesday, January 11, 2005  

been reading a lot of blogs lately, and i realize problems r everywhere, in one form or the other...am trying to put up a brave face, but at times i fail miserably...
# posted by Blogger Vidhi : Wednesday, January 12, 2005  

I totally feel you on remaining anonymous, I basically am doing the same thing for the simple fact that I need a place to speak freely and not having someone looking over my shoulder. Sometimes it feels good to be able to share your life or thoughts with complete strangers.
# posted by Blogger BlueLotus : Tuesday, January 18, 2005  

agree with u BlueLotus! it does feel great when ppl who we dont know at all start empathising with us!
# posted by Blogger Vidhi : Wednesday, January 19, 2005  

You seem to be going through a tough time and yet, you don't sound bitter about it. Keep the spirits high, chin up and eyes to the future. I'm sure you'll come out stronger. God bless!
# posted by Blogger ammani : Friday, January 28, 2005  

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Thought for the Day
What is yours will remain yours, even when it is not with you.

About Me
24 year-old female Arian. wheatish complexion, long hair, slender frame. After being a citizen of the world an Indian to the core

Fav Books: The Alchemist, Harry Potter
Fav Movie: The eternal Titanic
Fan of: Salman Khan, the English language
Fav line: When you want something very badly, the entire universe conspires to help you have it. [The Alchemist]

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