.....my life lies in those eyes that have me slain

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Vicissitudes of Life - II

There was another guy in college RJ. He too was deeply interested in me. I, of course, knew from the start that I couldn't go beyond friendship with him. But I made the mistake of discussing with him my relationship with R. RJ always criticised R for his wavering nature. I couldnt read between the lines. I didnt realize that he was trying to create a wedge between R and me. I fell prey to his intentions and like a dumb moron, accepted his proposal for me. But I felt RJ's love was very genuine.

When R came to know abt this, he was shaken. He reasoned out with me and told that he loved me a lot, that he really couldnt survive without me. I dunno whether it was bcoz of his words or a realization deep within, but I was suddenly brought back to reality, to my senses. I was brutally hit by the guilt of what I had done. Albeit, it was too late to mend the damage, bcoz I'd done something which couldnt be undone. I had toyed with someone's life, though it was entirely unintentional. True, R had wronged me, but that didn't give me the right to do the same with someone else. I apologised over and over again to both R and RJ, and pleaded with RJ to leave me alone. RJ tried his best to convince me to come to him but never succeeded. I'll never forgive him for certain things, but I feel I gave him the liberty to do those things.

R, ostensibly, pardoned me for the RJ episode & I was profoundly grateful to him. I discovered later that he used it as a weapon to hurt me at almost every available opportunity. Much as I wanted to wipe out RJ's bitter memory, R wouldnt let me do that.

But by this time, I'd resigned myself to fate. I decided to go ahead with R no matter how he treated me. I started believing that just as my mother longs for true love from her husband, I would yearn for it too; just as she doesn't have any happiness left in life, I wouldn't have too; just as she's surviving and not living, I would too. But it wasn't easy. My eyes were too used to seeing Cinderella dreams. It was tough to tell them that they shouldn't dream any further and those they had dreamt so far would never see the light of the day. It was a sort of compromise I'd made with life.

All this while, Ji had just been my classmate in college. He knew abt R's presence in my life. Then came the excursion arranged by our college - the excursion entrusted with the task of changing our lives forever. That trip virtually wiped out all distance between the two of us. We shared the darkest secrets of our life and each was equally taken aback. None of it was planned. The rest of the group had a blast and we being of the calmer genre, gelled well together. The result was a newfound friendship, I started respecting him tremendously. Period. I still never thought of him as anything beyond a very good friend...

[the rest will soon follow...]

Monday, March 14, 2005

Vicissitudes of Life - I

I've been meaning to write this since a long time, but got delayed as the matter was huge. Here I reveal some more unpleasant memories. They are best forgotten but I wish to recollect them here to help in explaining the various 'other factors' that add to the problems in life.

My Ji brought me into the enchanting world of his love in 2002. But the period before that from mid 1997 was one of a different kind of turmoil & anxiety and replete with extreme agony. Part of it was due to my own folly.

I recollect with regret that I was involved with a guy called R. He was my classmate in 11th & 12th and he proposed to me way back in the beginning of 11th, hardly two months after we first met. Being in an all-girls school till 10th, I had no sense of direction in such situations, or in any situation involving guys. And so I agreed to enter courtship with him, within a very short span.

That was the time when the feud between mom and dad was taking an ugly turn. I was with my parents till 8th and then with my relatives for 9th and 10th. When I rejoined them in 11th, their relationship was terribly on the rocks. The only person I could share my sorrow with was R and at that time he did provide me the support I craved for.

Seems really fine till now, deosn't it? It did for me too; until one dark day when he told me that he wished to part ways with me as he couldn't afford to lose the trust his parents had put in him.

My life, my trust, my love, my heart, my dreams, my hopes, my happiness - all died a tragic death, all shattered into pieces. I had such trust in that person that I never for once thought him capable of doing such a thing to me. I could see the pain of separation in mom's eyes and just as I started praying to God never to bring me to a similar test, R chose to give me the grief I dreaded most.

R was quick to rectify his mistake and win me back again; only to repeat it at regular intervals. It became a habit with him to say he wanted to quit whenever his temper was not in control. I used to literally beg him to stay with me.

All this took an emotional toll on me. It destroyed my patience and impeded my cerebration. Nah...I ain't trying to find an alibi for my erroneous acts that follow; just presenting the background in which the following events took place...

[the rest will soon follow...]
Thought for the Day
What is yours will remain yours, even when it is not with you.

About Me
24 year-old female Arian. wheatish complexion, long hair, slender frame. After being a citizen of the world an Indian to the core

Fav Books: The Alchemist, Harry Potter
Fav Movie: The eternal Titanic
Fan of: Salman Khan, the English language
Fav line: When you want something very badly, the entire universe conspires to help you have it. [The Alchemist]

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