.....my life lies in those eyes that have me slain

Friday, April 29, 2005

Notes of Gratitude

I am deeply touched by the concern members of the blogging community have shown for me in moments of despair. The way each of you tried to say something that would pep up my spirits really meant a lot!

It was one of the most tumultous times I'd been through. But Ji's love and all your support made sure that it didn't last long. It's soothing to know that I have friends out here who try to make me feel better. I thank one and all - DreamCatcher, Mukund, Johnny, Saurabh, Red, Alpha, Abhinav, Rohit and ArcaneCrapper - for your wonderful gestures.

No matter how dark life is, I can face it because my Lord and my Ji are with me, forever...

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Broken Resolution

The contents of the post might be disturbing. Readers are strongly adviced to exercise discretion before proceeding any further.

Barely hours after resolving to put up a brave face in the battle of life, I failed. Something within me just gave way, as though saying enough of trying to do that which I cannot do. It was a very tough day for me. I wanted to burst out crying...there was a cataclysmic storm raging within me. I dashed to the washroom a few times, when I couldn't contain myself any longer, & let the tears stream down. Just when things started to appear brighter, just when I started believing I too could be brave, everything had to come crashing down.

I was glad when I finally left the office to go home. The weather also seemed to reflect my mood...it was on the verge of a heavy downpour. My first instinct was to go off to some secluded place & throw the flood gates open. But better sense prevailed - thanks to the audacity of a Mumbai cop who had the nerve to ravish a 16-year old in the police station itself, the already limited freedom of women stands further curtailed...yeah for our own good. We can go on talking abt the progress of the nation and liberation of women for any length of time, but incidents such as these are only pointers to the contrary. Anyway, I shall defer this talk to another post.

I decided to head homewards. I had my vehicle and as I drove it, for the first time I felt sorry for my own deplorable condition - of all the places on earth, the only one I found to cry, was my vehicle. Tears refused to hold back any longer & poured down while I drove. I felt as though someone had cursed me that even if I wanted to cry, I wouldn't find any where to do so. They were, thankfully, well camouflaged by my helmet, the dusk that had crept in, the strong gales of wind and the glare of headlights. I had a blurred vision of the road & traffic throughout my journey but I was beyond caring. In fact, for a fleeting moment I wished Death would embrace me & put me to a deep, blissful, carefree sleep. But I soon jerked myself out of the thought - I wouldnt mind dying but certainly not by getting crushed under those gigantic wheels!

I know all this wouldn't make sense to anyone reading this; a few hours hence it might not make sense to me either. But I am not editing anything of what I've written. I repeat, this is the only place where I can speak what I want to without thinking twice, where I can write whatever comes to mind at the time of writing & it'll stay that way.

Never in my life did I cry at one stretch as much as I cried y'day night. I felt as though the sole reason I was living life for, was also seized from me. Now I know what it is like to be a living corpse...it's a punishment worse than death. But why I've been sentenced to such a punishment, God alone knows...

One more thing I wanted to say...Mom was expecting Ji & N to call up and congratulate her for the case. I dont know why N didnt call. But my Ji told me on the day the result was out that he was really caught up in his project & the first thing he'd do when he finds time is to call & wish her. I conveyed the same to her. I wish I could also tell her that she is after the wrong treasure.

One song that comes to mind right now :

Oo bekaraar dil...
ho chuka hai mujhko aansuoon se pyaar...
mujhe tu khushi na de...nayi zindagi na de...


Monday, April 25, 2005

A Pyrrhic Victory

Mom won. She's visibly jubilant. Since the judgement has been out, she's been busy attending to friends & relatives who keep calling to congratulate her. And also in doing whatever she told the Gods she would do, if she won the case.

Apparently, it's slipped her mind that she's won only the case, not dad. In fact, this Pyrrhic victory seems to have propelled her farther away from her husband. My heart swells with emotion when I think of the moment this sadistic reality will dawn on her. She's so positive at the moment that she dreams of performing my kanya daan with dad...how I wish I could nullify all her pain in a jiffy...by bringing her husband back to her...

As for dad, he's all the more vexed. Says the failure of the case has caused him immense problems, that mom has always made things difficult for herself & continues to do so, that he isn't sure when he can come to India next. All this doesn't augur well for the coming times.

Well, nothing is in my control. The situation cannot be altered at all. Most importantly, I dont want all this to make me go weak in the knees. I wish to be stronger & to not inflict misery upon myself by thinking of nonsensical & baseless stuff. I want to empathise with the not-so-fortunate people around me but not get weaker myself, in the process. Only, how long I can carry on with this resolve is to be seen.

May God grant strength to mom & dad to face the negative side of the judgement.
Thought for the Day
What is yours will remain yours, even when it is not with you.

About Me
24 year-old female Arian. wheatish complexion, long hair, slender frame. After being a citizen of the world an Indian to the core

Fav Books: The Alchemist, Harry Potter
Fav Movie: The eternal Titanic
Fan of: Salman Khan, the English language
Fav line: When you want something very badly, the entire universe conspires to help you have it. [The Alchemist]

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Blogs I Read
The Past

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