Sunday, November 06, 2005
Sharing some concerns
Diwali was fun this time. I did the rangoli and it turned out a real beauty. It was small but decked with vibrant colors, flowers, glitter powder and diyas...I even took a snap of it! :) Then, my new outfit was complimented by almost everyone in my apartment! Also, I had a great time at L'Oreal with the hair spa. My hair felt so pampered and healthy that now I've decided to go for it once every month!! These temporary distractions are essential to keep my mind away from the more pressing issues of life, which would otherwise kill me with worry.
My mom somehow feels that I breed this desire to continue to see my parents separated, as they are now. She ignites me to uncontrollable rage each time she utters such things. I find myself absolutely desperate and helpless in such situations...how, in the name of God, am I supposed to explain to her that she couldn't be farther from truth?! And then accusations like I have Saahil, so I care two hoots what happens to her. Blimey! I feel fit to explode! Someone please talk to her and tell her what I go through! Dealing with the absence of Dad is one thing and having to hear such blatant allegations is painfully quite another.
My life has never been the same since 9th standard. That was when my parents and brother went abroad as dad got a job, and I stayed back to finish my schooling. Little did I know that that would be the last time our family would be united, last time I'd see mom and dad together, last time I'd ever stay with dad. This discord between my parents, casts its shadow on every aspect of my life, from how close we can be to other families in our apartment (none of them know anything about this bitter truth, yet) to my marriage. It's one of the reasons I've completely ceased to think anything about my wedding anymore. I have no qualms in admitting that sometimes I wish I were dead. That does seem to be the only way to cut out all this pain. My Saahil would always be with me...nothing could alter that in any way...neither God, nor destiny, nor circumstances, nor people...indeed, God has always been with us and would surely continue to be. This is the only fact that provides solace to me...my only guiding light in the total darkness that engulfs me.
If anyone patiently heard me out to this point, I'm truly grateful. Please don't shower me with your sympathies...I don't need any of it. That was never my intent and would never be...only the satisfaction that I could pour out emotions, exactly as I felt them.