.....my life lies in those eyes that have me slain

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Vicissitudes of Life - II

There was another guy in college RJ. He too was deeply interested in me. I, of course, knew from the start that I couldn't go beyond friendship with him. But I made the mistake of discussing with him my relationship with R. RJ always criticised R for his wavering nature. I couldnt read between the lines. I didnt realize that he was trying to create a wedge between R and me. I fell prey to his intentions and like a dumb moron, accepted his proposal for me. But I felt RJ's love was very genuine.

When R came to know abt this, he was shaken. He reasoned out with me and told that he loved me a lot, that he really couldnt survive without me. I dunno whether it was bcoz of his words or a realization deep within, but I was suddenly brought back to reality, to my senses. I was brutally hit by the guilt of what I had done. Albeit, it was too late to mend the damage, bcoz I'd done something which couldnt be undone. I had toyed with someone's life, though it was entirely unintentional. True, R had wronged me, but that didn't give me the right to do the same with someone else. I apologised over and over again to both R and RJ, and pleaded with RJ to leave me alone. RJ tried his best to convince me to come to him but never succeeded. I'll never forgive him for certain things, but I feel I gave him the liberty to do those things.

R, ostensibly, pardoned me for the RJ episode & I was profoundly grateful to him. I discovered later that he used it as a weapon to hurt me at almost every available opportunity. Much as I wanted to wipe out RJ's bitter memory, R wouldnt let me do that.

But by this time, I'd resigned myself to fate. I decided to go ahead with R no matter how he treated me. I started believing that just as my mother longs for true love from her husband, I would yearn for it too; just as she doesn't have any happiness left in life, I wouldn't have too; just as she's surviving and not living, I would too. But it wasn't easy. My eyes were too used to seeing Cinderella dreams. It was tough to tell them that they shouldn't dream any further and those they had dreamt so far would never see the light of the day. It was a sort of compromise I'd made with life.

All this while, Ji had just been my classmate in college. He knew abt R's presence in my life. Then came the excursion arranged by our college - the excursion entrusted with the task of changing our lives forever. That trip virtually wiped out all distance between the two of us. We shared the darkest secrets of our life and each was equally taken aback. None of it was planned. The rest of the group had a blast and we being of the calmer genre, gelled well together. The result was a newfound friendship, I started respecting him tremendously. Period. I still never thought of him as anything beyond a very good friend...

[the rest will soon follow...]


I have gone through all this. I have been R and I have been you too at times. I feel all this does lead to our evolution as a human being and also to our realising what we really are. It also makes us more sensitive to human pain and helps us be more humane. . . Thats what I feel. . Dont you think 17 is an age too tender to be in love?
# posted by Blogger Amit : Thursday, March 17, 2005  

hi amit...in a way, u r right. pain does make us more sensitive. but i am not carrying out ne analysis here. i am happy he behaved the way he did, for if he hadnt, i wudnt have been with my Ji today. And for my Ji, i can undergo situations thousand times more painful than this...
# posted by Blogger Vidhi : Thursday, March 17, 2005  

it seems that you went through a lot in means of finding who to trust and who to love at a very critical age. I think it has made you stronger -- i feel it from your writing.
# posted by Anonymous Poonam : Friday, March 18, 2005  

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What is yours will remain yours, even when it is not with you.

About Me
24 year-old female Arian. wheatish complexion, long hair, slender frame. After being a citizen of the world an Indian to the core

Fav Books: The Alchemist, Harry Potter
Fav Movie: The eternal Titanic
Fan of: Salman Khan, the English language
Fav line: When you want something very badly, the entire universe conspires to help you have it. [The Alchemist]

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