Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Vicissitudes of Life - III
Days rolled rapidly and soon it was the 17th of January. Many of you would know what happened on this day. In the evening, as usual Ji escorted me to the bus stop and within a few minutes, confessed that he loved me. I looked back at him in disbelief. Never once did he drop a clue that he had a soft corner for me. But he was aware that I already belonged to someone else.
That day introduced a new dimension in our relationship. As he knew abt the unpleasant flavor in my relationship with R, he offered me undying & unconditional support. He assured and reassured me that whether the heavens fall or the earth blows to pieces, he would always be with me, irrespective of whether or not I was with him. I didn't know if I should thank my stars for such a friend or curse my fate for not being able to accept his proposal.
If anyone thought the story so far is enough commotion, wait till you hear the rest of it.
A couple of months later RJ landed in my house with a bottle of pesticide, asking me to come to him failing which he would do the obvious. As I think abt it today, I know he would never have done anything so drastic, but that day I was alone at home and was sick with panic. I called R and asked him to come urgently. After hours of coaxing, RJ finally left, with a promise never to return. And was I greatly relieved!
Meanwhile, R was becoming increasingly possessive abt me - not that I had a problem with it. His possessiveness only emphasised his love for me & I was abs comfortable with it, in fact liked it. But there's a fine line dividing possessiveness and scepticism, which R crossed. I'd been thoroughly honest always & used to tell R abt everything that Ji and I shared. Initially he exhibited his possessive nature - and all the while I reassured him - but soon started talking cheap abt Ji & me. Knowing R's nature, I still stay put.
Then came the days when Ji, myself and another girl were working on a project, which required me to spend extra hours in the college. During one such day he coolly called me a whore. I was horribly broke. I was musing over where my life was going to, when in a few days he gave me the ultimatum that if I didnt end my friendship with Ji, he would end our relationship. This was it. I was abs clear abt not ruining my friendship with Ji, under any circumstance.
I came to Ji and confided in him. I asked him for advice on what to do next. He said it was something I had to decide. The decision was taken. I promised myself never to look back again. I said a 'yes' to Ji. But I hadn't conveyed this to R yet - he had a very crucial exam coming up in two months. If he learnt abt my decision, he'd screw his exam royally. And the last thing I needed was a lifelong burden of ruining someone's life. I wouldn't know if this was the right thing to do, but the intentions were only benevolent.
But I had distanced myself from him involuntarily. Didn't speak to him much, didn't meet him often. Perhaps he sensed something, he repeatedly kept begging me not to go away from him, which only added to my stress. I felt that he turned a new leaf. But to no avail...I had moved on and my commitments to Ji reigned supreme. I'd some vacillations even during this time. But Ji being the person he is, promised to lend his support even if I wished to retract my steps. I had a strong urge to kick myself for even thinking abt going away from a love so entirely unconditional, chaste and divine...
But the real ordeal started the day R came to know that I was no longer continuing with him. That was a nightmarish phase. He kept saying things like he would soon end life, he would end up in a rehabilitation centre, that I had destroyed his life, that I must go back to him. The two extremes of Ji's love and the guilt of impairing one's life were severely weighing down on me.
After about a year, he came to terms with life. But I got another jolt when one day he told he was joining the same company where I was employed. Life was really playing silly jokes on me. With the sort of luck I've had till now, it must be evident that he was posted in the same city that I was. But thankfully not in the same building!
I had decided to treat him no more than an acquaintance. We keep bumping into each other on the various company occasions and to keep the awkwardness out & to avoid behaving exclusively with him, I thought of treating him as an acquaintance; also bcoz of the fact that sometime in the past, though for a short while, he did provide me the assistance I needed. But he seemed to misunderstand this courtesy. To this day, whenever he finds a chance to interact with me, he says he wants me back. These days I just ignore him.
So that's my story...
There's a song in the movie 'Yaadein' which goes 'Aye dil, dil ki duniya mein...'. When I hear the following two lines from this song, the past comes gushing into memory, only bcoz I never want to lose Ji:
Tune mujhse wafa nahin ki, tujhko kaise wafa milegi...
Tune mujhko dard diya hai, tujhko kaise dawa milegi...
I dunno abt wafa and dawa, Ji, but I know I am forever only yours...
Ji has told me umpteen times, NEVER to even entertain the thought of me losing him. But now as I did exactly the opposite for the umpteenth time, he's sure to pound me to pulp...! So, me goes to talk him out of it!!