.....my life lies in those eyes that have me slain

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Broken Resolution

The contents of the post might be disturbing. Readers are strongly adviced to exercise discretion before proceeding any further.

Barely hours after resolving to put up a brave face in the battle of life, I failed. Something within me just gave way, as though saying enough of trying to do that which I cannot do. It was a very tough day for me. I wanted to burst out crying...there was a cataclysmic storm raging within me. I dashed to the washroom a few times, when I couldn't contain myself any longer, & let the tears stream down. Just when things started to appear brighter, just when I started believing I too could be brave, everything had to come crashing down.

I was glad when I finally left the office to go home. The weather also seemed to reflect my mood...it was on the verge of a heavy downpour. My first instinct was to go off to some secluded place & throw the flood gates open. But better sense prevailed - thanks to the audacity of a Mumbai cop who had the nerve to ravish a 16-year old in the police station itself, the already limited freedom of women stands further curtailed...yeah for our own good. We can go on talking abt the progress of the nation and liberation of women for any length of time, but incidents such as these are only pointers to the contrary. Anyway, I shall defer this talk to another post.

I decided to head homewards. I had my vehicle and as I drove it, for the first time I felt sorry for my own deplorable condition - of all the places on earth, the only one I found to cry, was my vehicle. Tears refused to hold back any longer & poured down while I drove. I felt as though someone had cursed me that even if I wanted to cry, I wouldn't find any where to do so. They were, thankfully, well camouflaged by my helmet, the dusk that had crept in, the strong gales of wind and the glare of headlights. I had a blurred vision of the road & traffic throughout my journey but I was beyond caring. In fact, for a fleeting moment I wished Death would embrace me & put me to a deep, blissful, carefree sleep. But I soon jerked myself out of the thought - I wouldnt mind dying but certainly not by getting crushed under those gigantic wheels!

I know all this wouldn't make sense to anyone reading this; a few hours hence it might not make sense to me either. But I am not editing anything of what I've written. I repeat, this is the only place where I can speak what I want to without thinking twice, where I can write whatever comes to mind at the time of writing & it'll stay that way.

Never in my life did I cry at one stretch as much as I cried y'day night. I felt as though the sole reason I was living life for, was also seized from me. Now I know what it is like to be a living corpse...it's a punishment worse than death. But why I've been sentenced to such a punishment, God alone knows...

One more thing I wanted to say...Mom was expecting Ji & N to call up and congratulate her for the case. I dont know why N didnt call. But my Ji told me on the day the result was out that he was really caught up in his project & the first thing he'd do when he finds time is to call & wish her. I conveyed the same to her. I wish I could also tell her that she is after the wrong treasure.

One song that comes to mind right now :

Oo bekaraar dil...
ho chuka hai mujhko aansuoon se pyaar...
mujhe tu khushi na de...nayi zindagi na de...


it never rains it pours - take care. i gues ull see a rainbow sometime soon.
# posted by Blogger Dreamcatcher : Tuesday, April 26, 2005  

>certainly not by getting crushed >under those gigantic wheels!
u sure can maintain some sense of preferences even while writing such a heavy post.

>I know all this wouldn't make sense >to anyone reading this
no m'am it just goes to show that u r in tune with what u r feeling. coming out with your emotions is not at all a easy thing to do. not many ppl can be so frank with their emotions and be comfortable with them.

all of wht u hv put in shd resonate with most ppl out here.

and while all of us will be arnd to support u in this virtual space, i wd suggest tht it might be worthwhile if u can get some more support for urself in the real world too.

hp u get back to thinking positive
take care
# posted by Anonymous Mukund : Tuesday, April 26, 2005  

thanks for that dreamcatcher...

mukund...if not a peaceful life, i'd like to have a peaceful death atleast...coming to finding some help in the real world, u knw N, NL, Ji, Dad are all away from me...i aint so close to neone else that i can take the liberty of opening my heart out in this manner...so that doesnt leave me with ne other choice!
# posted by Blogger Vidhi : Tuesday, April 26, 2005  

Hi V
i cant claim to understand what u r going thru. i dont know what ur friend circle is. all i know abt u is thru this window that u hv opened up to the world.

the picture that the window paints is of an individual who has the courage to appreciate and understand the situation that she finds herself in. a person who has interests other than the narrow world of work and one who appears to be pretty friendly at least in the virtual world.

that gives me the confidence that u will be able to pull thru whatever u r going thru now and live up to the spirit of ur last post. even if u do feel that u hv already broken ur resolution.. i believe that it is a passing phase. and u will pick up the strands slowly but surely. and in the process pick up ur friend circle too.

best wishes
p.s. am sure u will look upon ur previous comment in later years and wd re-consider it. more than any re-consideration of the "broken resolution" post.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : Tuesday, April 26, 2005  

Do we really have support from ones we love? Ultimately doesn't it all come from within? It's YOU that got through the tough times before...and it is YOU that will get through this.....the others are just there to let you know that come what may, they will be there if you need help.....but the reasons to go on are within you......

I don't know, but there are things in your post which lead me to draw certain conclusions about what happened....and it sucks bigtime when things like this happen. Nothing any1 can say makes it better, but I just felt like saying that I feel real bad....

As for treasures, each one of us has expectations, each one of us goes through emotions and each one of us has experiences that others may not understand. Sometimes it's better to try and think also about the fact that our views may differ from theirs for this and no other reason...

# posted by Blogger Darth Midnightmare : Tuesday, April 26, 2005  

u must be thinking of the dent ur life is facing
but just remember that this is just a little bent which will pass away as fast as u can wink ur eyes

and remember i have always told u that ur a brave girl who knws how to fight.inspire me to change my wordings from brave to bravest

# posted by Blogger saurabh ohri : Wednesday, April 27, 2005  

# posted by Blogger red : Wednesday, April 27, 2005  

Wow... This post was really filled with emotions..
I guess this entire Week has been like this 2 of my Friends had a Break-up of Relations and they ended up crying at my Place... and I sense so much Depravement all along.. I guess, there must be a Scientific Explanation for all this ....

Nyways.. I guess all the negetivity would have been washed out ... and it must be feeling better(if not great)

and *HUGS* from here too... U go gal.

# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : Wednesday, April 27, 2005  

Don't wait for the circumstances to change.maybe you got many reasons to be sad V , but look at the one reason you hav to smile : Ji.n the bottomline is that life gonna throw up problems with sum regularity.hav a gud cry , n leave behind the sad parts.jus know , life is ur friend .n its beautiful.
# posted by Blogger Abhi : Wednesday, April 27, 2005  

Life keeps on throwing in problems one after another...just hold on...
and never ever talk bout death...ur life is precious ..for ur loved ones, for the ALMIGHTY and also for us..and remember ..even if no one is with ya..u hav ur blog and all of us...
will say again..just hold on...

Nazdeek savera hai....

# posted by Blogger rohit kaul : Wednesday, April 27, 2005  

Helloooo... Don't worry. You're not the only one. And remember that no one dies a virgin. Life fucks everyone. No exceptions... Why chumma crib? Don't mistake me... It's necessary to have emotional outbursts. They relieve tension... But all said and done, it's wiser to forget about it as soon as you're through with it.

If however the problem is deep rooted, there's nothing I can tell for now.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : Thursday, April 28, 2005  

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About Me
24 year-old female Arian. wheatish complexion, long hair, slender frame. After being a citizen of the world an Indian to the core

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