Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Teach me, how to live
Things can't go smooth for a long period, can they? Yet another issue troubling us. Y'day my maternal granny & a cousin of mine had come to visit us. This cousin's parents are away in another city, consulting specialist docs as their son is suffering from a hyperthyroid gland. Since the daughter needs to attend college, granny is looking after her. This cousin's father is my bade mama.
They returned to their place the same night. Today morning, mamaji calls granny and shouts at her for taking his daughter to our home. Granny is appalled and breaks down. She calls mom & narrates everything. Mom starts weeping too and is very hurt that her younger brother actually doesn't fancy his daughter visiting his own sister. After the call, mom starts working out what could have triggered this behaviour in her brother. She surmises that apparently mamaji doesn't quite approve of the 'deeds' of my dad and me, and thus prefers to keep his daughter away from such company, lest she gets spoilt too.
Heavens alone know if this theory truly holds any water. Whatever the reason, it was painful to see mamaji react this way. I can't believe it's the same mamaji who once showed me all around SHAR, filled me in with the precise working details of spacecrafts and was rather anxious for me when I foolishly overslept and went ahead along with the train, instead of alighting at Sriharikota. Mom is quite upset. I am very much disturbed too. It has left me feeling empty and bitter. All the confidence and optimism I gathered during the past few months, is diminishing slowly. These are the sort of relationships I am surrounded with; ppl react so coldly, when their compassion and understanding are required the most. This being the scenario, my mind keeps thinking of the time when both my maternal and paternal side would be expected to work in unison, during my marriage. Dunno how Saahil's parents/sis would take all this. Then such horrid thoughts keep bothering me, that I forcibly put my mind to something else. Even if the worst is to happen, I'll have to face it - there are no two ways to this. But will my already battered parents be able to withstand yet another major setback? I am scared to think positive, which would be tantamount to having expectations. And I know only too well, the pain associated with expectations that are not met. I seem to be going off at a catercorner to what I started this post with, but these are the very thoughts haunting me. I long for the happiness that so many ppl around me are fortunate to experience. But I know comparison in these things is of no use...it's each to his own fate. Feel like disappearing to some unknown place, incognito, for a while. All that is wishful thinking...I'm stuck here as bad as ever...trying to handle each new onslaught maturely, battling with my mind to bring it under control and not let it wander off as it desires, placing the same plastic smile on my face, in front of the world, attempting to purge all the insecurities, fears, worries within and failing miserably...assuring myself that I would emerge stronger with each trial...but every time finding myself as hopelessly desperate and helpless as I was previously...I just realized I don't know how to live...