.....my life lies in those eyes that have me slain

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Sharing some concerns

Diwali was fun this time. I did the rangoli and it turned out a real beauty. It was small but decked with vibrant colors, flowers, glitter powder and diyas...I even took a snap of it! :) Then, my new outfit was complimented by almost everyone in my apartment! Also, I had a great time at L'Oreal with the hair spa. My hair felt so pampered and healthy that now I've decided to go for it once every month!! These temporary distractions are essential to keep my mind away from the more pressing issues of life, which would otherwise kill me with worry.

My mom somehow feels that I breed this desire to continue to see my parents separated, as they are now. She ignites me to uncontrollable rage each time she utters such things. I find myself absolutely desperate and helpless in such situations...how, in the name of God, am I supposed to explain to her that she couldn't be farther from truth?! And then accusations like I have Saahil, so I care two hoots what happens to her. Blimey! I feel fit to explode! Someone please talk to her and tell her what I go through! Dealing with the absence of Dad is one thing and having to hear such blatant allegations is painfully quite another.

My life has never been the same since 9th standard. That was when my parents and brother went abroad as dad got a job, and I stayed back to finish my schooling. Little did I know that that would be the last time our family would be united, last time I'd see mom and dad together, last time I'd ever stay with dad. This discord between my parents, casts its shadow on every aspect of my life, from how close we can be to other families in our apartment (none of them know anything about this bitter truth, yet) to my marriage. It's one of the reasons I've completely ceased to think anything about my wedding anymore. I have no qualms in admitting that sometimes I wish I were dead. That does seem to be the only way to cut out all this pain. My Saahil would always be with me...nothing could alter that in any way...neither God, nor destiny, nor circumstances, nor people...indeed, God has always been with us and would surely continue to be. This is the only fact that provides solace to me...my only guiding light in the total darkness that engulfs me.

If anyone patiently heard me out to this point, I'm truly grateful. Please don't shower me with your sympathies...I don't need any of it. That was never my intent and would never be...only the satisfaction that I could pour out emotions, exactly as I felt them.


Hi Vidhi..
I was reading my old comments and there was one from you so i thought of finding out the gal..Liked the way u started the post with the first few lines..i mean enjoying th little things in life like rangoli and the complments from all on ur new dress..and that is what life is..enjoying the little things..Otherwise life is too hard..am not putting any sympathies here..i hope a 24 year old can take care of herself..Be strong and take care...
# posted by Blogger Gaurav : Sunday, November 06, 2005  

hi gaurav...these little joys r wut remain in my life...otherwise i wud go crazy...a 24 year old can take care of herself, but the lessons life teaches, can prove too tuf for ne age...
# posted by Blogger Vidhi : Monday, November 07, 2005  

gal, there is somehting abt these situations that makes strong and fiercely independent and Ilove it...though Idont talk abt I have undergone tremendous pain during my growing-up period...:) but all it has made me is a very very brutally independent and strong....

so u go gal....u have sahil with u :) and that makes a huge difference in ones life...:)
# posted by Blogger IBH : Tuesday, November 08, 2005  

Belated Diwali wishes! The rangoli description sounds awesome, do put up its snap.

You hv faith in God still, that itself is the biggest thing!

Take care
# posted by Anonymous deepakjeswal : Wednesday, November 09, 2005  

its nice tht u celebrated diwali in ur own way....my hair need some treatment too :|

no more sympathies...but have faith in God

God bless u !
# posted by Blogger Fursat : Friday, November 11, 2005  

Hi vishi,

Belated happy diwali dear.
I like your way of jotting down the thoughts. Keep enjoying the life and things are already falling in their right places. Isn't it?

# posted by Blogger sid : Friday, November 11, 2005  

hi vidhi!! happy belated diwali! hope that Saahil had a good time in the US. :)

keep your spirits up. everything happens for the best. its tough to tell your mom how you feel about their separation...because its such a sticky situation but if only she knew that would really help her understand your feelings. Don't let the past bring you down, but let the present keep you going.
# posted by Anonymous Poonam : Saturday, November 12, 2005  

tum itni tanha kyun ho?
# posted by Blogger Docs Dope : Monday, November 14, 2005  

@ibh...even i believe these things make one a stronger person...but i feel i am getting weaker by the day. i never tell these things to neone in real world...but i was fed up of keeping all this within...hence this blog...

@dj...wud put the snap of the rangoli! it is faith in God and VISA that keeps me going...!

@neetie...do go to L'Oreal once, they r the leaders in hair care, and every rupee u spend is worth the joy u get!

@sid...some thing in life are horribly out of place...others r perfectly fine!

@poonam...thanks! Saahil enjoyed a lot in the US...but he is so poor at shopping, it's a pity i wasnt with him to help with it! ;)
# posted by Blogger Vidhi : Monday, November 14, 2005  

@docs dope...thats a very simple query...but has a very complicated answer! shall explain the intricacies some day...
# posted by Blogger Vidhi : Monday, November 14, 2005  

How are you doing Vidhi :)
# posted by Blogger The Inspiring : Monday, November 14, 2005  

hi inspiring! i'm fine! how r u?! :)
# posted by Blogger Vidhi : Monday, November 21, 2005  

Well writing is cathartic in nature if I may say so... One reason I took to it as well...

Do drop in at my place some time...

-- Alien
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : Saturday, November 26, 2005  

Hey Vidhi....How are u?...long time no see?...Me good...do post the latest.....
# posted by Blogger Rajat : Sunday, November 27, 2005  

Hi Vidhi

I wanted to find out about this fad called blogging, randomly went through a few and then stumbled upon yours. Went through most of the pieces you have written. I do not know why i did so, was it because i was touched somewhere by what you wrote or ........ i do not know. Thought about posting a comment but nothing came to my mind.

There i sat looking at the screen and wondering what to write.

Came back to your blog on a few occassions yet drew a blank. And one day i saw it clearly the happings in your life had taken different names but in some way were a repetition of what had occured elsewhere.

I was too arrogant/stupid/.... and i let everything slip out of my hands. I never let anyone know about how i really felt, did not let any one communicate with me, it was a chapter that was never discussed, just hoping a miracle would end the ordeal, the miracle did occur but in a form i could not have imagined.

To cut the matter short, the mess i had crated was my own (between me and others independent of any happinigs) and i had to sort it out on my own. The miracle was the strenght i got to do so and the vision which gave me the clarity to see things the way they actully were.

You must wondering what i am trying to say, i want to tell you is:
1)look at what you have and not what you have lost,
2)and what you have the make most of it ( tell your mother how you really feel, in such times somethimes we become closed individuals not letting the sunshine in, we even become child like reacting violently to the smallest of things hurting those few who we love the most, i did it, and i hope you do not do the same)
3) when we do not discuss things we often end up making mountains out of mole hills. Applies to all not just you, and when we discuss the matter suddenly we realize that the mountains were not just blocking our view, the principal had a universal effect.

I do not sympathise with you, neither do i sympathise with my self when i look back and see what i went through, you are right sympathy makes us weak, it takes away the strength to rationally look upon facts however tears have never been our foe, they help us clear the loads of emotional shit we collect.

I hope you are able to clear the clouds sorrounding you and experience the bright days that follow.

May the lord give you the necessary strength to do so.

As they would say in Star Wars May the (Visa) Power be with you.


(PS. The spelling and gramatical errors are regtetted i wrote what came and as it came to my mind)
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : Tuesday, November 29, 2005  

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About Me
24 year-old female Arian. wheatish complexion, long hair, slender frame. After being a citizen of the world an Indian to the core

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